Friday, February 10, 2017

It ain't that simple anymore!

Blogging these days ain't that simple. I used to blog about play dates, brightly colored thematic birthday parties, t-ball, the perfect DIY project, and the latest virus that was sweeping through our house. Of course we still have all of that stuff going on...and more! But life is happening so fast I can barely keep up.

When I started blogging 11-ish years ago, life was slower - simpler. Well, life ain't that simple anymore. And parenting definitely ain't that simple anymore. And it's all happening in a whirlwind. Is it bad to say that I feel like I am building them all up, just to let them all go? I am struggling and trying to hang on to every day I have with them in my home.

It seems like yesterday that a bright pink little baby boy was placed on my chest, as we welcomed him to the world. That little baby grew into a silly toddler who loved to take naps on the sofa with his momma. He then grew into an adolescent who had a fiery passion for guitar and a great sense of humor, who also loved to be his momma's copilot on errands. Now he's a handsome, solid, teenager who still loves his guitar, but also loves golf and friends and spending time doing his "own thing". And I hear "not right now, mom" a lot more than I'd like these days.

He still loves his momma. I know he does. But some days - lots of days - he makes me wonder. And lots of nights I pray myself to sleep, hoping he always will and wondering if I've done enough to make him the man he needs to be. I lie awake wishing I could go wake him up and get him to talk to me.

As I finish tucking in his youngest brother, I am secretly wishing it was his bedtime too, not only because I would like to spend some time with my husband, but often because I wish I could snuggle with him and have him ask me to read him a story. He has no idea how bad I want to. All that went by faster than I ever imagined and it was so special.

Instead, now he wants to play his video games or text-chat with his friends for a little while longer. It seems exerting independence is more prevalent at 14 than when he was 2. There are so many battles! I have to choose them wisely. The hair battle. The condemnable bedroom battle. The clothes-on-the-floor battle. The homework battle. The friend-choice battle. Pretty soon it will be the car keys battle. So for right now, I will rejoice in the simplicity of the bedtime battle.

All of's kind of like living with a stranger. A stranger who needs tighter boundaries. A stranger who doesn't like to share his heart a whole lot. A stranger who's trying to figure it all out. Little does he is his momma.

I am trying to figure out what he likes to talk about. I'm trying to figure out when to be quiet {which we all know I'd rather be shot than be quiet}. I'm trying to figure out when to tighten the reigns and when to let them loose. A few weeks ago we registered him for HIGH SCHOOL. And even with a guidance counselor sitting there advising us, I was trying to figure out what the best classes would be for my son. After all, I know him better than anyone else. He assured me that he's "got this". And he may for this, but I know that he still needs me, even when he thinks he doesn't.

I also know that in the next couple of years my heart is going to take a backseat to the heart of every other girl that crosses his path. I know that it will be that way until he knows his heart needs me again. And as tough as it is to swallow, I will wait, just like I did on his first day of school. And what a LONG wait that was.

Parenting a teenager is a constant second guess. I truly wish it was as simple as picking out a theme and invitations for his fourth birthday party. I wish I could rewind a lot of days and do things over again. Do them better. But grace is all I have right now. Amazing grace! Because we are both growing up together...learning as we go. And just ain't that simple.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

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